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HOUSE BOY: BAKARI

Bakari is a house boy who every day drinks his Boss'wine and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But as the Boss having suspicions as for the quality of the wine, he decides to buy pastis (a French wine that changes colour if you add water).

Bakari as usual, takes a mouthful and adds water to replace what he drank. However, soon after he added the water, the pastis became milky.

When the Boss came back and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to nail Bakari as the thief! At that same moment Bakari realized he was in trouble and decided to go into the kitchen.

The Boss told his wife,'Mary, you will see today,he will be obliged to acknowledge'. So he calls Bakari.

He shouted: 'Bakari!'
Bakari answered: 'Yes, Boss'
Boss: 'Who drank my pastis?'
No answer.
The Boss reiterated his question: 'Who drank my wine?'
Still No answer.
Then the Boss went to fetch Bakari from the kitchen and says to him: You insane or what? Why when I call you, you say 'yes boss' but when I ask you a question you don't answer me?

Bakari retorted that 'It is that boss, when you are in the kitchen, you don't hear anything at all, except the name.

Then to prove that Bakari lies, the Boss says to him: 'You stay beside Madam here, me I go in the kitchen, and you ask me a question '. Bakari accepted, and the Boss went in the kitchen.

Bakari shouted: 'Boss'.
He answered: 'Yes, Bakari'.
Bakari continued:  'Who goes in the maid's bedroom when the Madam is not here? '.
No answer.
Bakari shouted again: 'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?'
No answer.
Bakari shouted again (third time): 'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?'

The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says, Bakari; it is true, you are right. When one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, only the name!

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

 I have two female parrots,

But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say,
'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?' 
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,
'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots,
Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,
And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . ...
That phrase . . In no time.' 
Thank you,' the woman responded,
'this may very well be the solution.' 
The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. 
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence. 
Shocked,
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
And exclaimed,
'Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!'

 DO YOU FART IN BED?

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS 

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.

HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT. ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS, I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN

This man from the country had lost his house and all his crops after a hurricane. He had nothing left but his donkey. After days of being miserable, and not being able to find a job, he took his donkey into the city and put up a sign that read "Betting $10.00 that this donkey could answer any question yuh ask."
             
One man come up saying: "No way that ass could tell me how much numbers in a phone number?" The owner said "Tell him ass?" The donkey stomp on the ground seven times, the man paid and walked away shocked. 

Ah next man come up and say "Tell me how much players make up a football side?" The donkey stomp the ground eleven times."  The man paid up.  By now, news spread like wild fire and nuff people gather around to see this smart ass.
             
This woman come out of the crowd, walk up to the owner and said "You is ah fraud and ah bet $100.00 he cyan tell me meh age." The donkey step back, leh go a loud fart and stomp he foot two times. The woman faint. After some smelling salts and water, she revive and point at de donkey and say, "He know ah was farty-two".

Donovan was on his death bed. His wife Leila was maintaining bedside. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. 
"Mih dahlin Leila," he whispered. 
"Hush mih love," she said. "Rest. Shhh...doh talk." 
He was insistent. "Leila" he said, in his tired voice. Me have someting me 
hafa confess to yuh." 
"Yuh have nuttin to confess." replied the weeping Leila. Everyting alright, 
go to sleep mih love." 
"No, no, me hafa die in peace love. Me sleep wit yuh sister, yuh best 
friend and yuh mudda." 
"Me know," answered Leila, "dats why me poison yuh." 
 

This is a classic!

An elderly Bajan lady is in an elevator in a high rise apartment building in New York, going to visit some relatives. 

A beautiful young white woman gets in smelling like very expensive perfume. She turns up her nose at the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio, Beverly Hills, $120.00 an ounce." 

The elderly lady with a deadpan expression says nothing. 

Another young and beautiful woman smelling expensive, enters the lift, turns, looks down her long pointed nose at the old lady and says "Chanel No.5, Paris, $200.00 an ounce." 

The lift is now filled with the aroma of the magnificent scents of the 
combined perfumes. 

One floor later, as the Bajan lady approaches her destination, she quietly 
eases out a long silent burst of gas, which quickly overpowers the combined expensive perfumes and leaves the two women with water in their eyes. 

As she steps out of the elevator, she turns and says "Breadfruit, Barbados, 36 cents a poun

Three fellas - a Bajan, a Trini and a Jamaican - are trying to sneak into the stadium at the recently held Carifta Games in the Bahamas. They have no spectators' tickets and are not athletes. As they stand around figuring out their move, they see a man walk up to the gate, and shout: "Carl Douglas. St Lucia. Shot-put". The man opens his bag to show his shot-put ball and is immediately ushered in.

So the fellas decide to "try a t'ing".

The Jamaican grabs a young tree, takes his pocketblade and strips it of all leaves, and walks up to the gate and shouts: "John Moss. Jamaica. Javelin". He shows his stick and is ushered in.

Excited by his partner's success, the Trini grabs the cover of a paint can and walks up to the gate: "Tony Singh. Trinidad. Discus."  He flashes the cover in front of the attendant who ushers him in.

Together on the inside, they remember the Bajan, and started to curse themselves for not helping him with a ploy. They turn around and spotted the Bajan on the outside.

Bajan is really at a loss. He looks all around him and sees nothing that could get him in. He then looks again at a fence across the street, has an idea, walks across the street, painstakingly rips off a piece of the barbed wire, rolls it, puts it under his arm, approaches the gate and says to the attendant: "Seymour Skeete. Barbados. Fencing!"

Three pastors in a certain denomination - an American, Chinese and a Jamaican - were having some difficulty making a decision regarding their Sunday church offering; specifically, which portion they should keep as salary, and which portion should go to the Lord.

The American said, "Whenever I collect the offering and the service is through, after church I put the money in a box- go outside- take a stick
and draw a line on the floor and throw the money in the air. Whatever falls on the right is for the Lord and whatever falls on the left is mine."

The Chinese said, "I put money in box, I dont draw line - I draw circle! I stand in center, throw box wit money in air- whatever fall on outside is mine and what fall inside is for Lord."

The Jamaican then replied "Mi naw draw a circle,  mi naw draw a line. All
I do is put de money inna a box and fling it inna de air....whateva de Lawd
want, him betta grab it fast cause what drop on de groung a fi mi.

Three men were sentenced to die - a Chinese, a Jamaican, and Trinidadian.
On the day they were sentenced to hang, the priest asked each man - "what's your last wish?"
The Chinese said "Give me a moo goo gai pan." After he ate the meal, they hung him.
The Jamaican was next. He said "give me some ackee, saltfish and jerk chicken."  After he ate his meal, they hung him too.
The Trinidadian then gave his last wish. He said: "Well, its a very long time that I haven't sucked a mango."
The priest replied: "Sorry, its not mango season."
The Trini replied: Well, I will wait."

      There was once a Trini and a Guyanese who lived next door to each other.  The Trini owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
 
One day the Trini looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Guyanese's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Guyanese pick up the egg.
 
The Trini ran up to the Guyanese and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Guyanese disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Trini said, "Back home, we  normally solve disputes by the following actions:
I kick you in your kook-a-looks and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the kook-a-looks and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Guyanese agreed to this and so the Trini went inside and found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Guyanese and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls.
 
POW!
 
The Guyanese fell to the floor clutching his groin howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Guyanese stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you,"

The Trini said, "Nah, keep the egg."

Big shot trini, Joe grew up in Barataria by Jumbee bridge, then went away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to T&T because he felt he could be a BigShot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone.  So he returned and opened his new 
law office on St Vincent Street among the big sawatees.
 
The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway.  He decided to create a big impression for this new prospective client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe grab up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. 
 
"No. Absolutely not.  You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.  Yes, the Supreme Court has agreed to hear that case next week.  I'll be making the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide the necessary support." 
 
He went on playing himself, "Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details." 
 
The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently and quite unperturbed as Joe rattled instructions filled with endless legal jargon.  Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
 
The man replied, "I'm from TSTT, the telephone company, I came to hook up your phone." 

RASTA MAN SUNBATHING

There was a Rasta man sunbathing in the nude on the beach in Negril.
He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked, 'Wha yuh 'ave undah de newspaper?'
Thinking quickly, the Rasta replied, 'A bird.'
The girl walked away, and the Rastaman fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in Montego Bay hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The Rasta says, 'Mi noh kno. I man was lying on de beach, dis likkle gal ax me a question, den I man guess
I man mussah doze off an next ting I man know is I man deh ya.'
The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her 'What did you do to that naked Rasta?'
After a pause, the girl replied, ' me neva do nutten to him?
Nutten at all. Me a play wid him bird an it spit pon me.
So, me bruk it neck, crack d egg dem, an set de nest pon fire!

A guy sitting at an airport bar notices a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thinks to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"  
 
Hoping she'll speak with him, he leans towards her and says, "Love to fly . . . and it shows!"  She gives him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thinks to himself, "she doesn't work for Delta."
 
A few seconds later, another slogan pops into his head. He leans towards her again, "Something special in the air?"  She gives him the same confused look. He mentally kicks himself and scratches American Airlines off of the list.  
 
Next he tries United, saying "I would really love to fly your friendly skies!" This time the woman barks back at him "Man, wha you want?" 

The man smiles, then slumps back in his chair . . .  "Ahhh, Bee Wee". 
 

    Ah Cuss Out De Boss

   Two West Indians were drinking in a bar and complaining about their boss that he was a real pain in the butt always giving them a hard time. The next day they met at bar again and the Bajan began boasting to the Trini, "boy ah cuss out de boss man real good, and when ah done, ah ask 'e fuh a raise and he gih it to me." 
    Trini looked at Bajan in suprise and asked "you mean he did'n fire you?". So the next day Trini went in to work and began to cuss up the boss who looked at him and promptly fired him on the spot. 
    That afternoon when Trini met Bajan in the bar again, he told him what happened earlier. Bajan explained "Trini muh friend, when I cuss de bossman, I cuss he in muh mind."

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.  

After all the
background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3
finalists.  Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took
one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.  'We must
know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances.  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair... Kill Her!!'   The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for
this job.  Take your wife and go home.'  The second man was given the
same instructions.   He took the gun and went into the room.   All was
quiet for about 5 minutes.   The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I
tried, but I can't kill my wife.'   The agent said, 'You don't have what
it takes.  Take your wife and go home.'   Finally, it was the woman's
turn.   She was given the same instruction, to kill her husband.   She
took the gun and went into the room.   Shots were heard, one after
another.   They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.   After
a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.  'The gun is loaded with blanks'
she said.  'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

The blind man

A blind man walks into a little restaurant and sits
Down. The owner, walks up to him and hands him a menu.
'I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu.
Just bring me a fork used by a previous customer.
I'll smell it and order from there.'
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a
greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hand sit to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a
deep breath. 'Ah, yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf
and mashed potatoes.'
Unbelievable, the owner
thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and
tells His wife Gladys, the cook, what just
happened. The blind man eats and leaves. Several days
later, the blind man returns and the owner
mistakenly Brings him a menu again. 'Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man.'
'I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork.
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind m
After another deep breath, the blind man says, That smells great.
I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.'
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is
screwing around with him And tells his wife Gladys that the next
time the blind man comes in she Going to test him. He returns the following
week, but this time the owner sees him
coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife,
Gladys, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.'
Gladys complies and hands her husband the fork.
as the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is
ready and waiting .Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork
for ready for you. The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says,
'Hey, I didn't know Gladys worked here!

            Communication.. the essence of a succesful marriage

 A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young bajan husbands' constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage. While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimize the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, I am having a hard time walking, so let me know if my request is too demanding of you. On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it. Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has-been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, Baby, I didn't realize that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry. I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page. so we will have sex as you requested:

1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TONIGHT
5. TOMORROW
6. TATURDAY
7. TUNDAY
8. Every Tucking Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. I love you too, and it's still TODAY, I'm waiting for you upstairs

BAJAN RAFFLE
 A Bajan move to Jamaica
 and brought a donkey from an old yardie farmer for
 $100.00. The farmer agree to deliver the
 donkey the next day. The next
 day, the yardie farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, but I 'ave some bad
 news.
 The donkey dead"
 De Bajan said, "Well dat alrite just gi
 me my money back."
"Can na do that. Me spend dat ras money
aredy."
 De Bajan said, "Ok, then. Just leave the
 donkey wid me."
 "Ah wha ya a do wid 'im?' de yardie
farmer asked.
 Bajan: I gine raffle he."
 Farmer: "You can na raffle a dead
 donkey!"
Bajan: "Yes I can. Watch me. I ain't go
 tell nobody he dead ok."
A month later the farmer met up with the
 Bajan and asked, "What 'appened
with that dead donkey?"
Bajan: "He get raffled off boy, I sell
500 tickets at $2.00 a piece and
 make a profit of $898.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone cuss?"
 Bajan: "just the guy who won. So I gi he
 back he $2.00

4 bajans got into a taxi in trinidad. Taxi driver says "I can only take 3,
the ugliest 1 has to get out". 1 of the bajans replied and who de rashole
gine drive.